November 23, 2005….3pm…. Mom had been playing on the phone ( she was and still is a total jokester) So when she called back this time I said, Mom stop playing and she said Bran listen to me….Im not playing….Brit called she thinks your dad is dead… WAIT WHAT….. I remember her saying Im sending Ahmad ( My step brother) over to get you. I remember my brother coming into the room, I called my then boyfriend ( later husband) and collapsed on the floor…what occurred next changed my life for ever.
Seeing my father in that state, was both scary and heartbreaking, but I got a sense of peace because he looked at ease. but how can this be, how could the man who vowed to never leave us, who took care of us, who loved us with everything he had not be here anymore? I was shocked…I remember going to my father sitting beside him, trying to feel for a pulse, putting my ear to his mouth hoping I would feel his breath, i grabbed his hand It was then …I knew…I took his hat off of his head ( i still have it , never washed it, in my backpack tucked away in my closet for moments when I need him most). I got up, everyone was around, people everywhere, crying, talking and moving all around, I needed to find my sister, My brother, where were they? My sister, literally out of her mind, screaming I DIDN’T KILL HIM, I SWEAR I DIDN’T!….We know baby…We know….My sister has to be the strongest woman I know…(Other than my mommie and grandma of course) But i know God had to know she was strong enough to handle that at 16….Cause at 21…..I couldn’t. My head was filled with so many regrets, why didn’t I just stay the night before like he wanted, and go to my grandmothers the next day, why didn’t I tell him I love him more, why didn’t I call him earlier that day to keep him awake so he wouldn’t go to sleep….WHY!?
Fast Forward..Today..11 years later…The pain is still there..But now I can honestly say, I understand alot more of my journey because of that moment, and because Ive lost the most influential, supportive, loving, protective, man id ever known, my true first love, I know I can deal with anything, Im proof, NOTHING has broken me, in spite of the pain, heartbreak, failures, etc. NOTHING HAS BROKEN ME.
Losing my Father has taught me many many things…But here are a few below:
- Resilience– It will hurt, but if it doesn’t kill you..GET BACK UP AND FIGHT HARDER
- To love deeper– there are no promises for tomorrow, you only have today, right now.
- To Be Fearless– Live your life, your way you only have 1 life and it can end in a flash.
- That Being a Great Person is all that matters- When you pass, no one remembers, what shoes you bought years later, or what lipstick you had on that night at the club, they will remember how you made them feel, what you taught them and how your presence changed them.
- Dont take anything for granted-
- Be a light-
- How to love myself inside and out– I am a beautiful mix of my mom and dad, and losing my dad made me appreciate the parts I see in me of him even more.
- How to pray with intention– I use to pray because i was told to, but now I pray with such a different purpose, sometimes when I pray I envision myself speaking to my father, I can say anything, I feel free, I can cry and I feel such a relief because I feel like its connecting in multiple ways.
- How to love unconditionally– no matter my mistake, no matter my flaws, or how rebellious I became, my dad loved me, never turned his back on me and always let me know I was his heart. That alone speaks volumes of what Love is supposed to be, So i think that is why I love so deeply, I care so much, and I truly “Feel” so passionate about those I love. Love has no limits.
- What A GREAT MAN & FATHER MEANS FOR HIS CHILDREN
- Taught me men have emotions, feelings and fears as well….- This is sooo helpful to me now
Losing someone you love is so hard, sometimes it can be unbearable, but because I have experienced the deepest pain I could imagine, I am able to get through anything, Ive literally lost a part of myself, and Im still here, so no heartbreak, disappointment, moment of fear, or unhappiness can stop me from living….Its all about perspective, I could have died with my dad that day, but instead I chose to live, even though a chain of events would cause me to question why…I did, and I am so grateful I can look back and now see the blessing in it all, i miss my dad terribly but I am still connected to him in so many ways so a piece of him is still present everyday.