Dad..This is what losing you physically taught me……


November 23, 2005….3pm…. Mom had been playing on the phone ( she was and still is a total jokester) So when she called back this time I said, Mom stop playing and she said Bran listen to me….Im not playing….Brit called she thinks your dad is dead… WAIT WHAT….. I remember her saying Im sending Ahmad ( My step brother) over to get you. I remember my brother coming into the room, I called my then boyfriend ( later husband) and collapsed on the floor…what occurred next changed my life for ever.

Seeing my father in that state, was both scary and heartbreaking, but I got a sense of peace because he looked at ease. but how can this be, how could the man who vowed to never leave us, who took care of us, who loved us with everything he had not be here anymore? I was shocked…I remember going to my father sitting beside him, trying to feel for a pulse, putting my ear to his mouth hoping I would feel his breath, i grabbed his hand It was then …I knew…I took his hat off of his head ( i still have it , never washed it,  in my backpack tucked away in my closet for moments when I need him most). I got up, everyone was around, people everywhere, crying, talking and moving all around, I needed to find my sister, My brother, where were they? My sister, literally out of her mind, screaming I DIDN’T KILL HIM, I SWEAR I DIDN’T!….We know baby…We know….My sister has to be the strongest woman I know…(Other than my mommie and grandma of course) But i know God had to know she was strong enough to handle that at 16….Cause at 21…..I couldn’t. My head was filled with so many regrets, why didn’t I just stay the night before like he wanted, and go to my grandmothers the next day, why didn’t I tell him I love him more, why didn’t I call him earlier that day to keep him awake so he wouldn’t go to sleep….WHY!?  Continue reading “Dad..This is what losing you physically taught me……”